The Homeschool Mother's Heart

Background:

            There are many sources where we as homeschool mothers get our information. If not directly taught, somehow we are led to believe that through our homeschool experience we must produce perfectly controlled children who get perfect grades and who behave perfectly at all times. After all, we feel like the world or at least our parents, in-laws, church members, friends and neighbors and especially our husband and everyone else is watching, so we have to do it right! Unfortunately many sources teach us that we must be perfect and that we must dominate our children and control the homeschool situation at all times, this is the only way we can get things done. This false teaching has led to feelings of frustration and inadequacy on the mother’s part, unhappy homes and caused many families to give up homeschooling altogether.

            The Christian homeschool community has set up a standard of the ideal homeschool family. We are presented with many of these “perfect” families on a regular basis. We attend the regional homeschool curriculum fair and who is paraded out onto stage but an immaculately dressed, poised mother and her eight homeschooled children, all high achieving students and her husband who makes a six-figure income at home along with being involved in the education of his children. Or we receive our monthly magazine with the glossy cover showing the perfectly poised homeschool family in front of their perfectly landscaped house (the children do all the yard work). Or we run into a member of our local support group at the library, all her children are delving into the stacks locating books for their learning projects while she is pushing her home business at you. Or we attend a meeting at church where a homeschool family—dad, mom and children—are pushing a message in a way that is entirely unrealistic to your situation. In each situation you know it’s wrong to compare or covet, but it’s very hard not to feel like you just don’t measure up.

Problem:

What is missing from our education as homeschool mothers is that we are told or it’s implied or we feel—that we have to be or act a particular way to do this job. Yet not one of us fit the perfect pattern laid out before us. It may not be your personality to be domineering and controlling, and for certain the situations in life aren’t perfect. We’re led to feel that we need to control our children at all times. To control, you need to become dominant, but this may not be your personality. Spouses and children who are controlled get frustrated and angry. Frustrated and angry spouses and children don’t respond to you or learn when they feel pressured and controlled in fact they actually disassociate from the one they see as the aggressor. Children who are disassociated or not bonded with their teacher-parent really can’t learn. To add to the problem, a mother who feels she should be perfect and controlling and isn’t having her needs met by her husband or finding support from him in her controlling ways quickly begins to feel as if she can’t cope with the entire situation.

When a Mother who truly is extremely disciplined herself and then expects perfection in the school and home places extreme pressure on her child. An impulsive child feels the extra pressure and they easily disassociate and block their memory so they don’t understand lesson and they become angry, mom becomes angry and a terrible cycle is perpetuated. 

            Then there is another much more serious perfect trap that we fall into—it’s called outward appearances. We want so badly for our family and our homeschooling to be seen in a good light by family, church and community. So we put on a front in public or at church that everything is perfect, things are great, homeschooling is wonderful and I can do it all. If it truly isn’t the children know what’s happening at home and this will teach our children that pride, hypocrisy and lying are OK because it’s happening all around them.

Some mothers wonder where all the rebellion their child is expressing is coming from. When you push for performance and perfection, children disassociate and rebel. Other children will sometimes comply outwardly but inwardly they are rebelling even learning to lie to cover up their rebellion.

Solution:

Can I share with you that it’s really alright not to control or pressure your children? There is a better way—it’s love! Children respond to your love with “Yes mother.” Acceptance and love are the only motivating factors you need to help your children learn. This is the very way that Jesus motivated people—by love. Jesus had lunch with Zaccheus, showed him that He loved him, gently pointed out his sin and Zaccheus was a changed man. Not only was he changed, he changed the lives of those around him. In each person He met, Jesus bypassed their sin and obvious problem, went straight to their heart exposing their sin with love and people changed simply because Jesus cared about their heart. "Man looks on the outside, but God looks on the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

We, as homeschool mothers, can do the same thing with our children. The answer again is love. Every family member needs to feel loved and appreciated and their love-cup filled-up on a daily basis.

            How do you love your children? Here’s how. Spend time with each child individually. Ask them “Do you feel loved and accepted in this family?” Listen to their response—you asked for it. Then ask them “What if mommy and daddy accepted you just the way you are and you felt like you could talk to us and we could discuss what’s going on in your heart?” Then do just that. Talk, love, spend time talking about what’s going on in the home. How Jesus wants us to live our lives.

            So you say my children wouldn’t do their school work or chores if I didn’t control them or yell at them.  If your child runs outside and conveniently forgets to do the dishes. Do the dishes yourself and pray the entire time asking for wisdom and guidance. Then go outside and talk to them. Just talk, tell them that you want them to feel special and you want to care about their heart and how they are feeling. Ask them if they get lonely, or frustrated. Ask them why they don’t want to help out with the family chores. If they truly feel you are asking in love, they will tell you. Don’t criticize their answer because they are sharing how they feel and this isn’t wrong. Don’t be afraid to apologize for your part in how they feel. Ask “Would be alright if I loved and appreciated you and cared about what is in your heart?”

It’s only when children feel that their parents truly care about them—not only the math, not just the spelling, not the chores—then they respond to the love and acceptance and they want to learn, they want to cooperate with the family and they want to love you in return.

Another key is that children see that mom and dad are connected, in love and caring for each other first and foremost. This gives them security, peace and a feeling that all is right in their world. It gives them an example of how a healthy family should be (not angry, bitter and full of hypocrisy) but kind, forgiving and loving. A connected marriage relationship is the greatest gift you can give to your children.

         I’m suggesting to you that we as homeschool mothers have a very important job, and that is to love our children. By emotionally connecting letting your children know that you accept them and love them just the way they are you’ll have children responding in turn and love will be the motivating factor in your home and everything else including homeschooling will fall into place according to God’s plan.

In His Love,

~Judy

©2004