When our daughter, who is now married, neared 12 years of age, we started considering how we would handle dating. This may seem rather young, but it really isn’t. Peer pressure, talk of boys between young girls and the high sexual pressures of our present society require parents to consider this issue at an early age. God placed several resources and people in our path and led us to researching dating, courtship, and other ways to handle boy/girl relationships.
The early adolescent years are the time for you to pray, study, and to begin to talk with your children about this subject. Begin studying the Bible and other resources with your child and setting up some guidelines. Then, when the subject of dating comes up with their friends, or your child is asked out, it will be much easier for them to deal with the situation because it will be something you have already discussed and planned for together.
I can’t help but wonder how many of us adults would have fewer difficult memories, less heartache and scars growing up if our parents had shown us a way that was different from the world's way. I also feel that all couples would have fewer problems in their marriages if they did not have dating memories and habits they carried into their marriages. So, I am presenting this for you to consider, study and pray about. The Holy Spirit will impress you if this is an old fashioned idea, or a God-led conviction whose time is here now as we prepare for Heaven and eternal life.
We have counsel about male/female relationships from Ellen White, in Messages to Young People and The Adventist Home, regarding courtship and guidelines for choosing a mate. We as a church already have this information, but as with so many other things, this Godly counsel has been put aside as “old fashioned” and is not taught or even mentioned to our teens. Yet the Christian community at large has picked up on the courtship idea and is teaching this concept to their youth.
Long ago, dating became recreational, where the purpose really should be to find a mate, but not at 12 to 16 years old! Dating is an emotional giving of oneself to another person. The world has portrayed a distorted view that to be a complete person to learn how to properly handle feelings or develop confidence, our children must develop obsessive behaviors of infatuation toward the opposite sex. The breaking up and starting over again and again leads not only to regrets, sexual temptation and promiscuity, but it has also been show to be a contributor to divorce in the future.
Courtship has become the Christian alternative to dating-the "thing to do". It’s an idealistic idea that depends on young people always being in family situations. Association with the opposite sex in adolescence is discouraged or occurs in family situations only. Usually young adult children will only court, if the potential for marriage exists. This allows them to become acquainted with their potential mate under controlled situations such as church and family. The problem is, what about college students who are away from home, split families, or if parents and children disagree on the subject?
Courtship does not guarantee a good marital relationship. Too many parents are going too far the opposite way by requiring courtship when the couple does not have the opportunity to become emotionally connected before marriage, ending up married to a stranger and discovering they really don't like each other after they are married.
Too many parents are insisting their children court, hoping to prevent the marital problems they themselves have experienced due to the consequences of pre-marital relationships. Being hypocritical and not being transparent with your children is not going to help them. Explain to your young adults what you did, how it has affected your marriage, communication and relationship and that you wish you had information and people who cared enough to talk and explain the consequences of this action.
Our young people need to make the decision and commitment for purity in their lives and relationships based on a relationship with Jesus, research and family support. They need to develop will power and make the decision to stay out of compromised situations with the opposite sex. Consider delayed dating until 18 years of age (or in college) when values are firmly implanted and your young adult child is old enough to understand the implications of this serious decision. Also, investigate, study with your children and impress upon them the importance of purity in relationships and waiting until marriage for a sexual relationship.
Not only is there dating pressure from the world, now there is pressure towards courtship from the Christian community. It’s very possible that courtship is not ideal for your family. Both of our adult children have taken a different path. Our now married daughter chose delayed dating and made the “True Love Waits” commitment. Our married son chose delayed dating and made the “Wedlock Only” commitment and both are married to the first person they dated.
Whether you call it courtship, delayed dating, True Love Waits or anything else, the real purpose in our lives should be to find and follow God's special plan for each young person and prepare them for a eventual serious relationship and then prepare a couple for marriage. Marriage ideally will come only after they have matured in a relationship with Jesus, the young man has proven the ability to provide for a wife and family, and has established his career and when the young woman has proven her ability to care for a home. The result will apply God’s principles from His Word for male and female relationships.
SDA Resources
Messages to Young People and The Adventist Home, by Ellen G. White. (ABC)
Keep in mind that courtship was practiced when this admonition of incorrect courting practices was written. Dating was established around the 1920’s and was not as accepted then as it is now.
Letters to Young Lovers, by Ellen G. White (1983) (ABC or CD-ROM)
A compilation of real letters written to young people guiding them to make the right choices relating to courtship and marriage.
Christ in Courtship Study Guide, (Harvestime Books, P. O. Box 300, Altamont, TN 37301. $3.50)
This is a study guide using the Bible and Spirit of Prophecy to guide you to a Biblical answer.
Prepared Courtship, by Wildwood Sanitarium, MMI Books, P. O. Box 279, Harrisville, NH 03450.
A little pamphlet based on Spirit of Prophecy and Biblical principles for building relationships through normal association to courtship, to engagement, to marriage.
Christian Resources
Before the Ring,
by William L Coleman
Practical questions to consider before
committing to marriage and ways to get to know your future spouse.
Best Friends For Life, by Michael & Judy Phillips, Bethany House Publishers www.christianbooks.com
Presents a realistic view of dating, courtship and variations using four real examples. Introduces a whole new strategy with alternatives to dating for choosing your spouse.
Bold Christian Living, Jonathan Lindvall, P.O. Box 820, Springville, CA 93265; 209/539-0500; www.boldchristianliving.com
The originator of the courtship concept in the Christian community. Write for a brochure of available resources and ask for a free tract, Youthful Romance: Scriptural Patterns.
Boundaries in Dating, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend; www.CloudTownsend.com
How to set and maintain healthy boundaries in dating, taking God on your dates, and setting appropriate physical limits.
I Gave Dating a Chance, by Jeramy Clark, Waterbrook Press, (Timberdoodle, www.Christianbooks.com )
This youth pastor encourages youth to bring God into their relationships and to bring honor and glory to God during this time of their lives.
Joshua
Harris
(Christian Bookstores)
I Kissed Dating Goodbye, His refreshing look at the subject of dating will makes teens and adults alike think about male/female relationships in relation to our walk with God.
The sequel Boy Meets Girl is about Joshua’s courtship and eventual marriage. In this book, Josh emphasizes that it’s purity that’s important not courtship.
When God Writes Your Love Story, by Eric and Leslie Ludy, Christian Bookstores or www.ericandleslie.com This couple writes their story about God-centered relationships.
Why True Love Waits, by Josh McDowell, Tyndale Publishing (Christian Bookstores)
A 500-page reference for parents, pastors and students on Biblical and moral reasons to wait for marriage. Includes how to resist sexual pressure and much, much more. Lots of research included.
©1998-2005 Judy Shewmake
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